When I grow up I want to be Geneen Roth

The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug - grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejections. 


Food is only the middleman, the means to altering your emotions.


What would it be like to not use food today?


Geneen Roth just posted that on her Facebook page. It inspired me enough to actually come here and post something. I have been away much too long, but I think about my blog every day, and the fact that I "should" be over here. Sigh. Just one more "should" in my life that I use to beat myself up with and feel "less than." Seems I turn everything in my life into that.


This is not going to be a positive piece. 


A therapist asked me years ago what I would think about if I were not agonizing, worrying and catastrophizing every second of the day. I could not answer.


I asked myself the other day what I would think about all day if I were not thinking about food, what I weigh, what I just ate, what I will eat next, or how fat I am. I cannot answer that.


What do thin people think about all day? 


You know, those people who actually forget to eat?


20 some-odd years ago I read something in one of Geneen's books that was a revelation to me. I am going to sit here at my kitchen table and type every word of it because for me it is one of the most profound things ever written. It is about a woman in one of Geneen's workshops who had gained back half of the 100 pounds she had lost. It is about compulsion:


Chubby as a child, not Vogue modelish as an adult, this woman grew up thinking that the cause of all her troubles was her excess weight and, conversely, that when she lost that weight she would be happy. When she discovered that despite being the perfect size, she still felt lonely, got angry, and was easily hurt, she made a decision--albeit an unconscious one--that she would rather have the pain in her life be about her weight, which was in her sole control, rather than about circumstances, relationships, and emotions that included others and were, therefore, not as controllable. 


In this way, she could continue to translate situations in terms of her weight: If she felt empty inside, it was because she was fat; if she felt rejected by a friend or lover, it must be that they didn't like her body; if she awoke on a Sunday morning with tears in her eyes it was because she had never stayed thin and was losing out on so much. Not because there might be something missing from her life, something she had promised herself long ago: a story she wanted to write, an instrument she wanted to play, a talk with her great grandmother about growing up in Russia. 


The pain was not because the grief at her mother's death lay solid like a lump of clay between her breasts, waiting to be recognized and released. No, it was because she wasn't thin. And even though she had gained back fifty of the one hundred pounds, she would lose it again and this time, this time would be different, she'd keep it off. She could fill her dreamy moments with what she would do, wear, and say when she got thin again, and during the rest of her time she could decide what low-calorie meals she could cook for herself.


And so she could spend the next fifty years of her life this way: gaining weight because she was frightened, then losing it because it would make her happy to do so, then gaining it again because it didn't. She could live this way until she died.


And she wouldn't be unusual.


25 years later, Geneen is still out there, writing new books, making the rounds on Oprah and such. Because she will never lack people who need her message: 


It's not about the food. It's about pain. And the attempt to avoid it. 


And just for the hell of it, I have to go look at Louise's affirmation for today. I haven't looked at her site for weeks, for obvious reasons...


Hey, not bad:


"I see clearly."

"I dwell in a world of love and acceptance"

Guess what? I do. Really? Yes, think about it. Wow.

I am lucky. The only person I can think of in my life right now who doesn't love and accept me is me. What a wonderful world it would be if I changed that. I have the power; I could actually do it. I could have done it decades ago. What have I been waiting for?

Today on 'Rosie' they did that exercise of challenging everyone to say something they like about themselves. Very thought provoking. Isn't it sad that we feel we have to qualify or make an excuse for any compliment we give ourself? Like when Deirdre said she likes her skin because "everybody says" it's nice. Why do we give "everybody" so much power? What are we -- chopped liver? Apparently. Because why would we care about the opinion of somebody we are constantly beating up, criticizing, demeaning, putting down and degrading? So stop it already!

You are worth loving.

That was Louise's affirmation yesterday; short and sweet and succinct -- "I am worth loving."  See how simple? Yesterday she told me that I am worth loving and presto -- today I dwell in a world of love and acceptance. Whoo hoo! I'm cured!

All smart-ass sarcasm aside, I actually have been approving of myself of late. But sometimes I forget. It helps so much to come here and think about it.

We rode our bikes in the Long Beach Marathon bike tour last Sunday and it could not have been more perfect. I am still feeling the high. I worried and stressed and freaked out a lot beforehand, about parking and logistics and waking up on time and on and on. About people laughing at me - the chubby old lady with the big ass who thinks she can ride a bike.

I think I am the only person in the history of cycling who bought a bike and rode almost 4,000 miles while gaining 40 pounds. UGH!!! But if I hadn't been cycling, I think I would have gained twice that. Seriously. My cycling pattern: burn 1,000 calories, eat 2,000! But I'm working on that. These last almost two weeks have been about listening to my body and nourishing it with healthy amounts of good food, instead of punishing it by stuffing anything down my throat that I can get my hands on. I am beginning to get little glimpses of feeling normal. It feels good.

Things are improving. And I am approving.

I approve of myself!

Hump Day

This week is hard. But I knew it was going to be. I have been sitting at my desk, spiraling into my thought pattern of why the hell am I here, I hate this work, I hate people, I hate every client (especially the ones who don't bring their stuff in til 3 days before the deadline), I hate myself, I'm fat and ugly, I'll be dead soon or at least in the Poor House. And why do I have a pain in my side?

Ok, rewind and reset and look at Louise's affirmation for today:

There is ample time and opportunity for creative expression in whatever area I choose.


Even in an area I don't feel that I chose? (which would be everything that I have pretty much ever done...) I think the answer is YES.


It's all about changing those pesky thought patterns. Hard, hard, hard. This thought pattern has been my identity for my entire life. But yes, I really do believe you can change it. I just have to want to. And to remember to! I can't give up.

I feel good about my food this week. In fact, today is the end of week one of my latest renewed relationship with food. I have been thinking of food as my worst enemy for the last three years. It just struck me, yes, just now, that it's not an enemy -- it's a tool! The tool I have been using to hurt myself in the way that I knew would hurt the most. And I am very good at it. :-)

As Louise says, "Try approving of yourself and see what happens."  (I approve of myself. I approve of myself.)

So maybe, for now, if food still has to be a tool, it can be a tool to make me feel more empowered. Or less controlled:

Eating when I'm hungry, stopping when I'm full. And moving. It's really that simple.

Onward...

Monday, Monday

"I grow spiritually when I accept responsibility for my life."


So it's really all about me? OK. Got it. (smiley face)

I'm happy it's Monday, even tho this will be the week from hell. (October 15th is Friday, in case you haven't noticed.) I am starting a real week, with the goal, of course, to get to the next Monday in a little better place than I am today, spiritually and physically.

It was a good weekend, even tho the kitchen is loaded with dirty dishes -- always what happens when I decide to cook at home and cook healthy. I feel great after our gargantuan bike ride yesterday. I felt like a ate a lot all day, but just fruit, veggies and good stuff.

Breakfast: Pure Bar before our ride, Spinach Egg White Wrap at Starbucks, tall iced latte

Lunch: Sandwich: Hummus, Olive tapenade, Slice of White Cheddar, Lettuce Tomato; pineapple

Snack: Apple slices

Dinner: Taco Salad with Mexican lentil mixture; pineapple

Wow, I guess it wasn't all that much, especially since I rode my bike for over 2 hours in close-to-90-degree heat. You can add a couple of hundred calories for the sparkling water I drank all afternoon, spiked with little low cal lemonade and pomegranate juice.

I am approving of myself, and my goal for today is to remind myself of that fact. And to recognize and acknowledge some happy moments as I make my way through the next 12 hours.

Peace.

"The past is over"

I am having a really hard time even thinking about this affirmation, let alone writing about it. Perhaps because I pretty much live in the past?

I complain constantly about my present, yet as soon as it becomes my past, I want it back. I want to do it again, only this time I'll get it right. That neurotic nagger inside of me reminds me constantly that nothing I do is ever good enough. There's always somebody else doing it right, doing it better. And what a productive exercise to sit around and think about everything you messed up in the past. Not.

"We crucify ourselves on two crosses - regret for the past and fear of the future."  

So what's today? Chopped liver? 


I am actually having a really nice day, thank you very much. My son showed up for a surprise visit (that has only happened like one other time ever), I had the pleasure of making some yummy food for him, and we've been sitting at the kitchen table, hanging out on our laptops, looking out at a glorious sunny day. He even came to my rescue by corralling a stray lizard. (yikes!!) What could be better? So stop and feel it. Give yourself permission to feel good. 

So, kids, let's review what we've learned this week:


My healing is in process? Yes, I am seriously shocked at how therapeutic this blog has been, even after just 4 days. Crazy. 


I accept and approve of my uniqueness? Yes! I will stop beating myself up because I don't measure up to some mythical something. 


And the past? That's a hard one. I'm working on it.

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? -every, every minute?" -Thornton Wilder, "Our Town"

"I accept my uniqueness"

I think I may be falling into a pattern for this blog - waxing philosophical about Louise Hay's daily affirmation. Not a bad thing, right? I haven't looked at them much of late; the only thing I have wanted to affirm for the last few months in how fat, hideous and depressed I am. And god forbid I should see a positive affirmation and get out of my funk. I have a lot invested in this neurotic persona.

So today "I accept my uniqueness."  Just sitting here pondering that thought leads to so many others. I have spent years yearning to be like everybody else, beating myself up because I don't feel "normal," whatever that is. Yet people who are "unique" are so much more interesting! They are the people you remember; the people you are drawn to. We admire them for having the courage to be who they really are and not give a crap about what anybody else thinks. So why don't we feel the same way about our own uniqueness? "Unique" is a cool word, but it seems that when we're talking about ourselves we turn it into a negative in an instant -- weird, different, freaky oddball. And when you believe you are a freaky weirdo it's really, really hard to 'approve of yourself.' It hurts.

And food always makes it feel better.

So today, not only am I going to accept my uniqueness, I am going to approve of it!

"My healing is already in process"

Louise Hay is talking to me again. She talks to me a lot, but I usually don't listen. Last night on my shiny new blog I put a link to her "Daily Affirmation." And just look at today's -- "My healing is already in process." Is that awesome or what??? My healing started yesterday when I created this blog and with every keystroke it continues. Weird, weird, weird. But I actually feel like something is happening...

Thank you, Kelly, and all those other Rosie Radio listeners for inspiring me. For finally giving me the nudge I needed. Starting this blog was a concrete step, an actual something; evidence that I am doing, not just being. How many times have I laid my head on my pillow, vowing that "starting tomorrow" everything will be different? Well, today it was different! I have a blog! I clicked on the link to make it official that this is it. A change is coming. A change is here.

So our goal is to "get in shape" by next fall - the exciting season when Rosie comes back to TV. I won't be joining Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or looking for a new diet. None of that. I know how to do it. I have done it a hundred times. And it has taken me 40 years of "dieting" to finally understand that it is not about the food. It is about PAIN and the attempt to avoid it. About understanding that the pain is part of being alive. And that no amount of food stuffed down my throat can make that pain go away. So for me, getting in shape is really about getting my head in shape. To "approve of myself," to quote another of my favorite Louise-isms.

So my goal for today -- to say this and BELIEVE it: "I approve of myself."

(That is not going to be easy when I go upstairs shortly to look for something to wear. Boo.)

This is a test

This post is a test. This blog is a test. My whole life has been a test. And so far, I feel like I am barely passing. That has to change. NOW.